A Truth First Encountered Can Be Funny: September 2005

What's up with men wearing visors?

The last two days, I have walked in to my work and my boss was standing there with a visor on his head, looking as if he didn’t know any better.

I always thought that it was an unwritten rule that men are not to wear visors except in special circumstances as listed below:

Playing Tennis

Playing Golf

Playing Poker – (Must be a green, plastic visor)

And as with other rules, it can be broken if by breaking it you have a 75% chance or better of getting laid that night.

If you know of any other visor-exceptions, please post them in the comment section.

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

Okay, so I was on my way to work a few days ago and 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon came on the radio. I’m a huge Paul Simon fan, so of course I listened to the song. As I was listening, a thought occurred to me…what are the 50 Ways? He mentions several, but nowhere close to 50. Here are those that he mentions:

You just slip out the back, JackMake a new plan, StanYou don’t need to be coy, RoyJust get yourself freeHop on the bus, GusYou don’t need to discuss muchJust drop off the key, LeeAnd get yourself free

So, by my count there are 5 ways to leave your lover. I’ve got a couple to add:

Just pack up your stuff, Duff
Screw her sister Kim, Jim

If anyone out there knows of any other ways, please feel free to add them in the comments section.

If you're like me, you've been thinking about Stanley Kahn lately and wondering if he's still around and what he's up to.

For anyone who doesn't know, Spyder, my roommate - the guy that's squatting in my garage that is - is a professional wrestler. Last Saturday he had a wrestling show at the convention center. Now, at the time none of us could figure out what was going on at the convention center that weekend and why there would be a wrestling show there.

Well, as it happened, or as it was meant to happen, there was no convention. Rather, the main ballroom of the convention center had been rented out for a Bar Mitzvah. Whose, you ask? Well, non other than Stanley Kahn's son, Marc. Anyone who lived in Indianapolis in the eighties no doubt remembers his accident & injury attorney commercials and his huge Jewfro. Apparently, Stanley Kahn brought in a ton of big name wrestlers and Spyder for a big royal rumble match.

Now, I'm not a wrestling fan so these names mean shit to me, but Jeff Jarrett and Abyss were among the wrestlers there. To top that off, all of the WWF (I refuse to call it the WWE; just as it will be the Hoosier Dome, even after they blow it up)...anyway all the wrestlers from the WWF sent the damned kid a videotaped birthday greeting.

Stanley Kahn still has the Jewfro, but according to Spyder has put on some weight and has grey hair now. Apparently Spyder is now available for bar mitzvahs, birthday parties and weddings. See his website for further details.

I'd like to introduce everyone to Kilgore, my new armadillo. The cat's don't seem nearly as freaked out about him as they did when Spyder first brought his dog, Clark, home. But, then again, Kilgore is stuffed and only about eight inches tall as opposed to Clark who is huge and likes to chase the cats.

United States Supreme Court to Decide the Constitutionality of the Law of Gravity

Chief Justice nominee, John Roberts, announced Saturday his intention to hear the case of Mookie v. Gravity just as soon as he is confirmed by the Senate and the high court resumes its session in October.

The case stems from a long-standing argument by Mookie Blackjack that gravity “is just plain wrong and there has to be some way to get around it”.  Backed by the ACLU, Mr. Blackjack said in a statement, “I’m not necessarily against gravity; I just feel that we, as Americans, should have the right to choose to believe in it or not.”

Former Chief Justice, William Rehnquist, a staunch defender of gravity, as well as many other arcane “Laws of Nature”, repeatedly refused to allow the case to be heard based on the point that, “Gravity is a theory, not a law imposed by any branch of the U.S. government.”

Officials with The American Association of Physicists claim that if this law is overturned, it will no doubt have a staggering effect on the world as we know it.  Said one such official, “…rain might decide to fall up.  Instead of flailing on the ground, drunken people would float around in the air, unable to control themselves.  Bicycles, babies and all manner of objects would float around, all willy-nilly like about the country.”

Mr. Blackjack has rebutted these claims, arguing that since this is a “natural” law, then non-sentient beings would have no choice but to obey it, while those of us with free-will would have the option to ignore it if we so choose.

You can bet the eyes and ears of the nation will be focused intently on this case as it unfolds.  Proponents and opponents alike are mostly just happy that this issue will be decided once and for all, never to crop up again.  That is, unless the public opinion on the issue continues to seesaw and the future make-up of the court is changed.  Can anyone say “Roe v. Wade”?